Organization XIII: State of the Fandom Address
by The Masked Reviewers
Summary: Organization XIII has been abused. They've been Yaoified. And slowly, they can feel the changes made to their personalites starting to affect them. They've decided words are the way to stop the fangirls... And so they've come to address the fan community.
1. Prologue: At Wit's End

**Prologue: At Wit's End**

"Something had to be done about this..." The speaker trailed off as though looking for a word.

"Catastrophe?"

"Calamity?"

"Idiocy?"

The original speaker hushed the other voices that were now all suggesting words from under their standard black-issue hoods where they sat around him. "I personally like idiocy, but now is not the time to be suggesting words. We must find a way to address this growing issue least something happen that interferes further with our lives..."

"Or our personalities!"

"Or our hearts!" If I were an author who liked to correct her characters who were/are still someone else's characters, I would remind this person that they are a Nobody and do not in fact possess a heart. But I'm not.

"Or our sexuality," someone mumbled, undoubtedly the thirteenth member of the Organization.

"Or our Organization. If I have to see one more number removed or added..."

"Quiet!" The original speaker called again, and, deciding he could no longer keep order, flipped down his hood to reveal his face, which was that of a man every fangirl knows very well as Mansex. Because I am not one of such fangirls, however, I shall be calling him Xenmas. I prefer to leave their letters in their original order, because I'm sure that was not on Disney's part intentional or noticeable to most of them.

Square Enix, on the other hand...

But the author will leave the ranting to the characters.

Xenmas raised his hands for quiet, which was, for the first time, difficult to get from his Nobody companions to be quiet. Never before had he seen them quite so distraught as they removed their hoods to reveal their faces, (Yes, all thirteen of them are alive, seeing as how all thirteen of them are alive and abused in fan fictions) which were full of heavy and uncharacteristic worry.

"What happens," said the voice that had earlier made the comment about hearts, who turned out to be Axel, "If we aren't' able to stop them from messing up our personalities? What if it gets to the point where Roxas and I really are..." The Nobody swallowed what was most likely some bile in his throat. "...Like that? What if we can't stop this personality warping?"

"I say," said Xaldin, "We try to make it known somehow to the fangirls what they're doing to us."

"I think it'd make them laugh," Axel mumbled, but due to the cry of 'Good idea!" from Roxas, no one heard him. You see, Roxas was very tired of constantly being made fun of, and was very worried that something could happen to him that would incline him to possibly turn to Axel as anything more than a friend. Therefore, he was willing to try any idea that might somehow save him from further being a Yaoi fangirl's dream.

"An address. Xaldin, since when have words ever gotten us anywhere?" Xenmas asked him, putting his associate on the hot seat with an icy, serious glare. Please observe: He is not flouncing, bouncing, proclaiming his gayness in any sort of way, or wearing a bright, gaudy pink robe covered in glitter. Now, the author WILL stop her stream of sarcastic side comments and continue with the back-story to how the Nobodies came to be giving such an address.

"I don't know. But perhaps we can reason with fangirls. Nothing else seems to work," he said.

"Easy for you to say," remarked Roxas. "You're not the one who's butt is constantly sore or something from having..."

Xenmas cut him off. "Enough, Roxas. All those in favor of attempting to address the fangirls and show them the idiocy of their fantasies and overused plotlines, say yes."

The chorus of 'yes' overrode the lone 'no' from Roxas.

"Good," said Xenmas with a smile. "Then, does anyone have any particular topics for us to attack?"

"YAOI." Axel's voice covered all suggestions. Slowly, the list on the desk before Xenmas grew into twelve additional and longer chapters that the author would write with which to bash the poor, sorry state our fandom is in to this very moment, full of Mary-Sues, AU's, and overdone plots in severe need of a thrashing...

"Well," Xenmas said, "Let us decide who will be speaking on what."

Axel screamed in horror when he found his topic would be the one that he had suggested. His horror would be short-lived, though, as he would soon break down into sobs upon finding that the one to help him convey this sad mistake of a topic was Roxas.

Roxas said nothing. He'd fainted.

A/n: I'm not bashing specific people. Flames are accepted. I laugh at them. Future chapters will be much longer. To those of you who are finally fed up with the state of the fandom, well, then more power to all of us. Leave love, and I'll see you all very soon with the actual address, not the back-story.


	2. Characterization Makes The World Spin

**Chapter One: Characterization Makes The World Go 'Round**

Characterization. It's something that makes the world go 'round, if you will. Without it, simply have loveable empty shells to be used for the whim of whomever happens to see them. We end up with plotless, heartless, boring, simplistic people that are repetitive and have no mystery, explanation, or back-story. They are simply 'there', and by simply being there they are set up for things such as plotless smut, crack!fics, bad songfics, terrifying oneshots, and of course, to be placed next to Mary-Sues or perhaps even beside a carbon copy of the author themselves.

Wow, for a second there, I might have assumed I was talking about the members of the Organization and how twisted their personalities have become. Oh wait, I was. Poor Organization XIII. If I had a nickel for every time one of their personalities was distorted to the point where I barely knew who they were, I could build a giant house for all the idiots in the world and...

But again, the author should leave her ranting to the characters.

"What to start on?" Xenmas had questioned himself later that evening. It was true that he himself was very annoyed with the fangirls: Imagine if all the letters in YOUR name could be rearranged to spell out 'mansex', or even anything involving 'sex.' Xenmas found that they were beginning to effect the happenings of the Organization (He could scarcely keep a meeting together longer than five seconds without members bringing up each other's supposed gayness, or laughing at him behind his back for secret affairs with number XII), and so he knew he had to do something. Staring at his handwritten list, however, and confronted with horrors upon horrors, he was unsure of where to go first.

A soft knock on his door had saved him from further thinking on it. "We all," said the person who peeked his head in, "Should take the first chapter, if you don't mind my saying so."

Normally, Xenmas might have thrown something at the intruder, but this time, he let it drop and simply looked up from his paper to see who was addressing him. Lately, everyone had been on guard, and frequently the 'don't come in and bother your superior while he's trying to work' rule was ignored as a solution was searched for.

"But nothing out there applies to all of us, Vexen."

"I just think it'd make a more united front," he said quietly, not the type to cross the superior, but also not the kind to for any reason back down. "Besides, I know an issue that affects all of us. It's..." He crossed the room, making his way to stand next to the superior and looking down the long list before pointing, withdrawing a hand from his robes in order to do so. "There."

"CHARACTERIZATION," Xenmas read aloud what he had scrawled on the paper in large letters. "That has several subcategories, though."

"Take the general section. Later on, we can get into more specific details, like why Marly shouldn't be regarded as a pot-smoking, tree-loving child-molesting man when he's actually more sensitive and jealous and how you shouldn't be portrayed wearing long flowing pink robes and looking like something out of a Fabio commercial."

Xenmas was silent for a second, and had he had a heart it would have bubbled over with misdirected rage at the fact that everyone knew of the fanfictions portraying him as a queer man. Still, he bit his lip for a moment before answering. "Very well, Vexen."

"Thank you, superior."

And so it had come to pass that the Organization was assembled for their address...

* * *

When in the Organization, you are prepared at all times for anything and everything, regardless of whatever warnings you may or may not have been given. Still, preparing to put on the act that would hopefully convey to the fangirls just how stupid they'd been, twelve members of the Organization stood off to one side of the stage, which is where the rest of our address will be taking place, and watched Xenmas walk out to address a waiting fandom.

"Fangirls..." Xenmas paused for a second, then decided to be polite, although the idea freaked him out. "Fanboys..." Xenmas paused and drew a breath. "I am the leader of the Organization known as Organization XIII."

Loud cheering filled the room. "Do they think this is going to be funny?" Someone asked.

"A hoot."

"A real riot."

"Maybe they expect us to come out and show them what they really want to see," said one member, disgust on their voice.

"They don't want to see me at all," said number twelve softly, leaning against a wall. "They're too busy pretending I don't exist for the sake of Yaoi in an all-male Organization."

"Quiet, now," hissed Xaldin, eager to hear whether or not it was working. "I can't hear," he added, obnoxiously repeating the prose, which is something I see quite a bit in fanfiction that BOTHERS me...

But alas, the author will be quiet now. "Mansex! Mansex! Mansex!" The crowd was cheering, and Xenmas's face was burning (Would have been burning, if he'd had a heart?) above his collar as he looked out over the assembled fandom. "Quiet!" He commanded suddenly into his microphone, and there was silence, save the giggling of some and the head-shaking of others at the immaturity of the ones who were mentioned first. Were I in that crowd, although I don't' believe in self-insertion stories, I would have been one of the few shaking my head.

"Now, perhaps you're all wondering why I am here."

"Yaoi!" Screeched a girl in the front row.

"To profess your love to my angelic CLAIRE, who is beautiful, kind-hearted, and has no problems except that her family is mean and she's only THIRD in her class?!"

"To profess your love to me?" Said one of the addressed fanboys. A visible shudder ran up Xenmas's spine, and all of the Nobodies sighed; they weren't so sure they wanted to step onto that stage now. Still, Xenmas again raised his hands, longing for the order of a meeting room full of Nobodies.

"I am here," Xenmas said, rubbing the twitches from his left eye, "To not only introduce you to the rest of Organization XIII but to make an impression on all of you- An impression that will hopefully straighten out the State of the Fandom."

"State of the Fandom?"

"What's wrong with the fandom? More Yaoi? Less straightness? That damn girl in the Organization messing up our perfect bishies?" A girl in the front row suggested.

"Part of it," Xenmas said, "Will consist of a series of short plays. So don't worry. You will soon have figured out how to fix the problems that trouble the Nobodies in the Organization, and..."

"IS DEMYX IN ONE?"

"WILL I GET TO SEE AXEL?!"

Xenmas groaned and walked off the stage, amid cheering, butchered versions of his name, screams for the characters to take the stage and act on fanfiction-based script, and squeals for Roxas and Axel to come and stand center-stage as the two most popular Nobodies before they had a heart attack.

It was going to be a very, very long night.

* * *

About ten minutes later, Xenmas walked, alone, to center stage. The Nobodies were determined to show a strong united front, and so he was leading the others on as soon as he made another address. "The Nobodies of Organization XIII," said Xenmas, yelling into his microphone to be heard, "Would like to make their first point. Our subject is characterization, which is a valuable thing because it keeps the characters who they are."

"Like keeping Axel in character so that he can be in love with Roxas!"

Xenmas turned and nodded to the others; he'd forgotten the rest of his address among the stupidity. Slowly the members of the group assembled themselves and stood shoulder to shoulder, side to side, facing the overwhelmingly enormous fandom crowd.

By the way, characters, for the sake of clarity, one, you're only acting in my fanfiction, and two, I truly am sorry I had to give you these warped personalities for the stage performance. Unfortunately, I must. I cannot even begin to describe how it looked as the others backed away from Xenmas, and Xenmas took the stage alone to begin a (somewhat humorous, mostly for the author's good intentions of making people realize how stupid most basic plotlines and character changes are) monologue that would portray his fanfiction character.

"Hello," he said in a tone far too bright for the dark voice that had rasped at fans from the game and promised Kingdom Hearts anything it took for the feeling of wholeness. "My name is MANSEX. Did you get that? It's all the letters in XENMAS, just rearranged. WHO noticed that? Just about every fangirl, right after it came out. But I don't care! I rather like it!"

For the intensive purposes of this story, just imagine loud, screaming fangirls in the background the entire time the Organization members are speaking. I don't feel like stopping my angry rant of things I've seen in order to incorporate how the fangirls felt about the rearranging of the letters, or those who were offended because they'd thought it a clever joke, or the multitude of boys who simply stared, then burst out laughing.

But while the author was babbling, Xenmas had plowed on in his speech. "What's furthermore, I really don't have any power over my Organization whatsoever! I just let them run around, being totally into everything, including each other. I'm just a pretty head figure designed to distract you with my hair. I have no purpose!" He flipped it to make an impact on the people around him. He realized just how rapt the attention was and, thinking of the fact that if he could not do this his personality might be replaced with the one he was portraying, he went on.

"And did anyone ever tell you I'm secretly not full of angst, or dark, or even obsessed with finding myself a heart? In fact, I rather like bunnies and rainbows and pink. And Zexion, Axel, Roxas, and even Marly, sometimes. But mostly Saix. My God, he's HOT, wouldn't you agree? All that gorgeous hair atop his head and his eyes just SHINING. Quite the bunny under the sheets, though, always playing with my head... It just depends who's writing about me, though. Personally, I like Xaldin... Just kidding!" He added loudly, with a false laugh that somehow seems to work it's way into an alarming number of fanfictions.

Xaldin got rather red around the ears to hear groans that accompanied his name. "Ungrateful snots," he murmured to himself, and Axel laughed quietly at that, although the superior's comment about a sort of attraction for Axel made the red-head want to go throw up. Or tear his eyes out using only his bare hands. Both of them sounded appealing, and he would have had time to duck out of the line of Nobodies and do so, but instead he stayed put, watching Xenmas gradually humiliate himself more and more.

"We need a camera," Saix muttered, and everyone laughed, although quietly, trying not to take attention away from how stupid their superior was sounding on the stage. His point appeared to be lost on the fans, but hey, as Saix had put it, it was fun to watch.

"But really, if it's all about the guys with me, I have to admit, I'm not all that into having myself paired with Sephi. Or Xaldin. Or any of my Organization members, really. We're a brotherhood." Xenmas's voice was starting to sound more normal, less high-pitched. "Brothers typically do not rape each other."

"TWINCEST!" Someone screeched.

Xenmas felt as though he was obligated to bash his head off a wall, but he stayed where he was. "And for the record, I am full of angst. I am a Nobody. I have no heart! And even if I were to own a pink robe, do you think I would WEAR it?"

"Fun's over," Saix murmured, and reluctantly he leaned back into his stiff position, grateful that his superior was done talking about him as though he were a loving pet.

"I am NOT," he said finally, after letting the disjoined groans from the crowd die down, "A Saix-sexing, pink-wearing, brother-molesting bunch of hormones on two legs! There will be no..." He paused, looking disgusted. "Twincest between myself and Saix." 'Of course not, you're not twins!' Snapped a voice in the crowd. "I'm not even sure Nobodies HAVE hormones! So please, next time you write me, or draw me for that matter, and you're tempted to put a furry pink coat on me and have me try to find my true emotions with Saix at my side so we can escape the World That Never Was, remember two things: One, I do not LIKE pink, or Saix. Two, I would never try to escape the world I built!"

He started to back up, but then something else crossed his mind. "It's XENMAS! Put the X first, if you don't mind!" He stepped back into the line, and was surprised to hear the silence that came along with the end of his speech, but was at the same time glad, and stepped back so that his second in command could step out, allowing for him to have a moment to breathe.

"Saix," said the Nobody standing next to him, "Requests you never speak about him that way again."

Xenmas nodded with quick vigor. He felt as though perhaps he should go wash his mouth out with soap now, but being that he had organized the entire event, he stayed to watch how ---- would be received.

"Name's Xigbar! That's Ziggy, to some of you fangirls!" He shouted, tossing his hair back as he made his way up to the microphone. His accent had become thicker, in a way that some fans find sexy but personally I find sickening. "I am your perfect, less than down to earth guy who, when actually featured in fanfictions that don't ignore me because I'm not the hottest or bash me for the accent that you know is hot, can't seem to keep my hands of Demyx."

This was met with giggles. "Or Xaldin, or Xenmas. Sorry girls, but the X names barely go together when I've got so much more chemistry with the little Nobody over there." He could see Demyx's mouth go slightly slack before he bit the lips hard enough to draw blood, and inside he laughed a bit. Nothing like tormenting the younger kidlets in the Organization, after all.

"But honestly, dudes. I mean, we all know I just wear the eye patch for mystery, right? I'm too gorgeous to even for a moment be disfigured! And what's furthermore, I'm just Ziggy! And I mean, really, if I were to lift up the patch, you'd get another look into gorgeous eyes, of course." He grinned at the fangirl in the front row.

"Dudes, I mean, pure evil can be nice, right? I'm always so nice to the other Nobodies, and I'm funny and a trouble-causer and I'm just around to keep Xaldin in check, naturally." Ziggy, as he'd taken to calling himself in the last five minutes, threw his hair again, and everyone laughed and squealed as fans will do.

"Let's get one thing straight," Xigbar said suddenly. "I'm not some hippie surfer from Cali. I'm an angsty Nobody with no true name and no true home who's sick and tired of everyone assimilating I'm here to make Demyx happy or free Xaldin from some emotional trauma. The thought of lying next to Xaldin makes me want to throw up a little inside! That thought traumatizes ME!"

Xaldin rolled his eyes, chewed his lip, and through some stroke of sheer luck, said nothing.

"For another thing, I don't wear a neat little glimmering mirror in my eye patch or just think it looks cool! I could SHOW you why I wear the eye patch..."

"Restrain yourself," Xenmas called, but it was too late. For the sake of all children, young minds, or fangirls who's hope I may send crashing to the floor, I will not describe the hollow, empty socket Xigbar showed to the crowd, sending several fangirls screaming from the room, some into hysterics, and some into a state suggesting they were dead upon sight as they lay in rigid heaps on the floor.

Xigbar stood up with some healthy satisfaction. "Let's keep 'dude' out of my dialogue, okay?. I am not looking for a beach. I am not even remotely interested in beaches. There are no beaches in the World That Never Was! In fact, there aren't any lakes."

"I told Xenmas we should have done something like that," said Xaldin wistfully. "I really would like a beach..."

Several of the fangirls seemed to be getting up off the floor as Xigbar concluded his rant for his own poor, sorry butchered character. "Next time you start to write about me, consider the fact that Xaldin and I are good friends, but we are NOT gay for each other."

"I can't believe some of you make him be with Xaldin! Demy is obviously the better choice!" The crowd had broken out into their violent arguments in support of the

"But he can heal Xaldin's broken soul. Besides, didn't you hear him, he likes angst, dude!"

"I like," Xigbar said suddenly, "Women!" And with that he turned to take his place in the line. "And another thing... DO NOT SAY DUDE!" He moved his hair back into place, hoping to make himself look less feminine, and instead turned to Xaldin. "They're all yours now," he said, grateful just to be done.

* * *

Xaldin had his own particular pet-peeves, but first he knew, as by order of Xenmas, he had to act as he would in a fanfiction. So, taking a deep breath, brushing his sizeable sideburns, and groaning somewhere within himself, he did his best to keep disgust out of his face as he moved forward, opened his mouth, and screamed, "I REALLY LIKE XIGBAR!" 

That got the crowd's attention.

* * *

A/n: I apologize to Square's poor characters. I would hug them, but rabid fans do that often enough that the poor dears are probably terrified.

I apologize for spelling errors. I'm typing directly into the document manager. EDIT: NOW I used a spell-check. Thank you to those who pointed out my mistake!

Flames are more than welcome. In fact, laughed at. I'm sorry if there are things I forgot; these are things I've noticed commonly occurring in fanfiction over the past week or so. I'm welcoming comments or things you find offensive for the other speakers. No, fear not, the rest of the Organization's speeches are to come next time. And we'll also address other common problems, like Mary-Sues... (disgusted)

If this goes well, would anyone be interested in an address from the heroes as well in a separately titled fic?

To all those of you who've left me such nice reviews, you are loved! Thank you for being inspiration at the heart of my writing- The silent people who just don't feel like seeing Saix sex Xenmas, who's wearing a queer pink robe of some sort, every five minutes.

World is made of dark and light,  
Raven, Masked Reviewer I


	3. Death of a Fangirl

**Chapter Two: Death of a Fangirl**

The room rang with considerable silence after Xaldin's little outburst. Which was difficult. How often did fangirls fall into dead silence, for God's sake? Still, everyone's eyes were fixed on the burly man, for it wasn't every day that such an odd confession came out outside of fanfiction.

"Xaldin would like to inform the prose he doesn't appriciate being called burly."

The prose apologizes to Xaldin, who is still waiting for some sort of comment or reaction other than stunned silence. Getting none, he realized that this was exactly what Xenmas had wished for, and made a disgusted noise at the back of his throat at being used as a pawn before opening his mouth to speak again.

"...Did I hear you right?" Asked a fangirl in the front row suddenly.

"Yes," said Xaldin, "You heard me right."

"He's totally into men!"

"This is a dream come true!"

"LOVE OF THE X NAMES FOREVER!"

"Except Xenmas!"

"Because he belongs with Saix!"

"He so belongs with--"

"Quiet!" Xaldin said, feeling his stomach do an odd sort of turn at the fact that his false sexuality was not only being praised, but at the fact that the phrase 'love of the X names' is actually a common sub used in fanfiction titles and summaries, which the author finds just disgusting. Can't we have a little originality?

Or do we like driving people insane with the same repeated names and places, characters and sex scenes, and characterization that's so out of whack I can barely breathe whenever one of the characters shows up because I'm too busy trying to figure out which one they are, they're normally so badly disfigured. AND ANOTHER THING...

"I'm trying to show my eternal love for the Freeshooter. Would the prose kindly leave the ranting about the disfigured personalities to those who actually HAVE the disfiguring?"

The prose kindly shuts up.

"Now, we all know that as a rather ugly man..." He stopped for the giggles, the sighs, the laughs, the cries of 'yes you are', and various other comments that everyone made. "I am rarely loved. My massive sideburns, unkempt hair, and temperment problems prohibit most people from getting close to me..."

"I still love you!" Screamed a lone voice from the crowd. The lone voice shut up when thousands of sets of eyes affixed themselves to her face, and she stood quietly and simply stared at Xaldin without speaking again. Xaldin felt himself throw up a little in his throat, if that's possible for a nobody, but kept his mouth shut until the din of chatter that had inspired broke away so that he could continue.

"However, as I was saying, despite my sideburns, which for some reason appear to offend some fangirls..." Wretching noises covered his speech and he was quiet, waiting for them to finish, although he was beginning to wonder how many fangirls a lance could go through at once, the little voice in his head that was counting sounding similar to Mr. Owl from the Tootsie Pop commericals. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, please beat your head off the nearest object, then go ask your parents who Mr. Owl is)

"DESPITE THE SIDEBURNS, XIGBAR MANAGES TO MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE. HE MAKES ME..." Xaldin stopped for a moment and breathed in now that he was able to do so, for the gagging noises had again died down and he had a moment to speak. he lowered his voice before continuing. "He makes me feel like I'm a real person, like I'm someone special and complete!"

"It's so cute!"

"The love of the X names is ALWAYS cute!"

"If only Xaldin didn't have those ugly sideburns..."

"We should shave them for him!"

The authoress will not describe the massive chaotic scene that insued. Let's just say that if you can imagine six lances flying in all directions and slamming into various screaming, clammering fangirls, all of whom just so happened to carry shaving cream and razors with them, then please, picture it. Picture the piles of fangirls falling onto those already unconcious from Xigbar's empty, pit-like socket of an eye. And most of all, picture one pissed off Xaldin. Those sideburns are a part of him.

If you don't care to imagine, or simply can't because no one taught you how as a child or sat you down and let you watch that purple dinosaur that creeped me out so much, just picture blood, shaving cream, and fallen bodies all over the stage and people quickly backing away from a stage with a really pissed Xaldin standing on it, cracking his knuckles and smiling.

If you can't even imagine that, then we'll just say there were dead fangirls who'd tried to rush the stage and one really pissed-off Xaldin defending his sideburns.

"I do NOT love Xigbar, I do not need a Nobody to make me feel whole, we do NOT sleep in the same bed, and NO, I will not shave my sideburns!" Recalling his lances, which disappeared into the magical portal that I imagine is somewhat like a giant moble closet (since things always disappear into it), Xaldin took a step back. He hadn't made much of a point about his character, but the sight of impaled fangirls made him feel better.

Besides, he still had his hair. He reached up and gently touched his sideburns with a slight grin, then caught his Superior's eye. Xenmas appeared to be laughing, although under his breath.

* * *

"My turn already, my..." Vexen sighed as Xaldin stood back in the line next to him and he stepped forward. Upon seeing him, most of the fangirls turned away from their bleeding comrades and smiled, a few squealed, and then the room fell silent, waiting for the chilly academic to speak. 

The chilly acidemic did not speak. He stood there for a moment surveying the crowd, feeling rather tired and rather intimidated by the fangirls, although he had to admit, Xaldin had made them seem slightly less threatening by killing someone. "My name," he said finally, "Is Vexen."

"He was in the stupid game..."

"With the cards... OH THE CARDS!"

"Stupid cards, I never could find the ones I needed, and when I did the batteries would die and I'd have to start ALL OVER... THE HORROR OF IT ALL!"

But the author will spare you all her agony while playing the game, if only to avoid typing more in the spur-of-the-moment fangirl dialogue that by now is getting on everyone, including the author's nerves.

"Now, I'm not really sure what to make of the pairings surrounding me. Most of you know I am a scientict and a brilliant man. Most of you even seem to know that I made a carbon copy of Riku while inhabiting the castle that annoyed so many of you so much. But many of you seem to be debating on whom I truly love. So let's get to the point there, shall we?"

"This one says I love Demyx, while others seem to actually lean toward some kinky OCs. I've even seen rumors that I have a deep love of Axel. (The author would like to point out there is no logic there, at ALL...) For the record though, and I do mean to set the record straight with this, I have to agree with the most common pairing. I am, in fact, deeply in love with Marluxia." Not, he added to himself, that I do, but even if I were to, it would be simply because most people don't love narcotic men with flowers in their room and...

He shook the disturbing thoughts about flowers, skipping, and frolicing rainbows out of his head, trying not to be bitter as he spoke.

"Other pairings, however, that seem to have some sted are me with... Roxas? I must admit, I'm not much for Roxas. Besides, can't everyone see that he and Axel seem to hold most of the premonition in fanfiction?"

This was met with catcalls, whooping, laughter, and other such noises from the fangirls, and poor Vexen was left to stand there for a moment before anyone spoke to him or even so much as looked at him again.

"However, I must admit that the portrayal of me in most of these fics is rather... unflattering." Vexen pushed a strand of his hair back from his face. "I quickly become tired of seeing myself portrayed as a man who does nothing but work in a small dark room by himself, stopping only to occasionally get to know people, namely Marluxia, or get raped by said individual."

With this there were several more cat-calls.

"Furthermore," he said, finally building up steam, "I am not a helpless, quiet person who gets into a situation where he can be raped. Are you forgetting I can step through portals, move around, and, as a member of Organization XIII, can HEAR sounds such as doors opening? I am not stupid enough to sit there blindly while someone undoes the front of my coat, thank you. Nor am I dumb enough to take it off and let a fangirl have her way. So before you go looking for a quiet, doctile member to RAPE OR TURN INTO A SEXLOVING WORKAHOLIC..." Vexen took a breath.

"FIND SOMEONE ELSE!"

* * *

"My name," said Number V of the Organization as he stepped up, "Is Lexaeus." 

"Huh?" Said one fangirl close to the front. "Who's he?"

"Didn't Sora kill him?" Asked another, who stared at Lexaeus as though she had no idea who he was or why she was seeing him in a group that was about to talk about her precious Organization XIII.

"What game was he in?"

"HE'S part of the Organization?" Asked a last one. "I guess he does have the coat, but he's not nearly as hot as any of the other members... Kind of like Xaldin..."

"N-None of you have even the faintest idea of who I am?" Lexaeus asked. He summoned his weapon and stood there on the stage, holding it above his head in the stance from the game. "Does this help?"

"He's that idiot who's butt you kick with Riku!" Someone's voice said finally.

"That," Lexaeus said, with a bit of a roar to his voice that he quickly bit off so that it became raw, gravely anger, "Is exactly what I'm up here to talk about."

"Getting his butt kicked by Riku? Sounds like a rather stupid thing to want to talk about to me..."

"No! I am here to talk about the fact that no one remembers who I am! I am here to say that I, Lexaeus, do not even have a spot on the character chooser on this website! If you are looking for stories about me, there is either not a single one that features me and me alone, or someone forgot to add me to the list! There is no spot on the list for me at all! But oh, I'm in fanfictions, I know that..."

"He's the one who's always shown as raping poor Zexy!" Someone called out.

"Zexion and I," Lexaeus growled, "Have nothing in common. At all. Besides, what kind of reason would I have for ever wanting to...?"

"You like little boys!"

"You're scary!"

"Maybe he's related to Michael Jackson!"

"But he's not black..." This lead to silence. "And I don't think he ever was black..."

"Let's get one thing straight," said Lexaeus, who now wishes the author had never compared him to Michael Jackson. "No one remembers me. And when they do remember me, I'm either raping small children like Zexion, or a babbling idiot!"

"I'm not a small child," Zexion mumbled, looking very direct and very angry as he glared at Lexaeus's back. Lexaeus ignored him, now in full stride. His mistake was that he was swinging the tomahawk in order to clarify his words.

"Remember me in your fanfictions correctly, or not at all!" And with that he turned. When he turned, however, the weapon caught several heads, all of which thankfully did not come off because the author has used her blood quota but rather knocked the people down with stars around their heads, much like we see in our beloved video game whenever the Disney comrades we have are knocked out.

Xenmas shook his head. Dead fangirls. Not what he'd intended. It was supposed to be a nice simple address... Then, he thought of himself in a pink boa chained down by Saix.

Suddenly, the dead fangirls didn't seem so bad.

* * *

A/n: Vexen. Xaldin. And Lexaeus. I am so sorry. 

Michael Jackson, I'm sorry to you too. Even though I do think you're creepy and I do think you did it.

Offended fangirls, I am not sorry. Requests, suggestions, all that fun jazz, please drop me a review or a PM. I love hearing from all you wonderful people. Thanks to all the supporters so far- I'm glad to see you, people who are and aren't rabid fangirls. I myself am, so don't tell me I'm a hypocrite- I know. I'm just showing more extreme cases, like I think I've said before.

Leave love. And if you can't leave it for me, leave it for the characters. They're abused!

The world is made of light and dark,  
-Raven, Masked Reviewer I-


	4. Poor Unfortunate Soul

**Chapter Three: Poor Unfortunate Soul**

Zexion. Zexion. Zexion. "Zexion!" Suddenly it occured to the Nobody that the voices he was hearing weren't in his head but rather the Nobodies next to him, ushering him up to take his place at the stand.He walked out slowly, looked over the fangirls, and wished he could take a few heads off much as Lexaeus had, but he hadn't the heart that enjoyed fighting, so he bit the inside of his cheek hard enough to draw blood, if there is such a thing for a Nobody, and looked straight ahead before speaking.

"My name is Zexion," he said in his quiet voice, and was surprised to hear that he receieved a warm welcome. He bowed formally momentarily, then quickly straightened up when he realized some of the fangirls were holding things. Worried they might be scissors or razors or something of the sort, he glanced around the room only to discover it was something... less sinister?

If pictures, lovely fanart, of yourself and Demyx are something less sinister. In Zexion's mind, however, they were something more sinister, and he quickly felt himself losing his cool. Still, he bit his cheek more to try to have the pain (Since Nobodies feel pain?) stop him, and he tried to speak again.

"Thank you. Now, as many of you know, Demyx and I have a very... inimate relationship, although I have seen myself being forceably raped several times by Lexaeus..." With this, he turned away and pretended to cry, since one, this had never happened, and two, Nobodies do not, for the most part, unless it is an extremely sad and sappy fanfiction, cry. "But Demy loves me anyway!"

"Oh. My. God." Said one of the fangirls holding one of the more explicit signs. "He called him... DEMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" The noise was so shrill that Zexion fell to his knees in pain from the torment inflicted upon his ears. It sounded much like a song Brittany Spears might sing while drunk on karaoke night during happy hour, and the Nobody was amazed that he didn't explode upon contact. When he could finally stand, he quickly wiped at his eyes to rid himself of REAL tears from the pain of the screech and tried his best to carry on.

"I see you all support myself and Demyx. I want to thank you so much for supporting two broken souls finding comfort in each other and only each other for our broken souls! I also want to thank you for supporting my Hot Topic shopping endevors and in most of your fanfiction giving me the option of wearing the lovely thing known as eyeliner, even though eyeliner is strictly against the Organization's dress code. It goes VERY well with my hair, don't you think? My hair is obviously a grey-ish black kind of blue-toned green, right?"

"It's so blue."

"Black!"

"You're both wrong, it's flaming queer purple!"

"Hot, sexy, freaking lavender!"

Zexion sighed. Whatever else he had been about to rant on was forgotten. Instead, he pulled some of his hair down further in front of his face and stepped up to the edge of the stage. "What color," he said to the nearest member of the crowd, "Is my hair?"

"I AM NOT WORTHY TO LOOK UPON THE FACE OF THE BEAUTIFUL ZEXY!" Screamed the nearest fangirl, and I am sorry that the fangirls are making me kill my caps locks key, but that is the way they speak, in such high and extensive voices that I cannot hear myself think...

Oh, right, the fangirl. She fainted dead away on the floor, leaving Zexion with the disgusting nickname on the signs around him and ringing in his ears. Losing his temper, he jumped from the stage, stepping over the downed girl, to talk to the one next to her in the crowd. "What color do you call this?" He asked, again taking a fistful of the stuff and holding it out for her to see.

"I'd say it's grey," she answered, staring at him with hearts emblazed in her eyes and repeditivly fluttering her eyelashes in such a way that make him want to vomit. Still, being Zexion and being beyond his point of no return by the means of keeping his cool, the Nobody jumped into the crowd and seized the nearest sign.

"This," he said, pointing at a disgusting, poorly drawn Yaoi scene that had labels on the stick people indicating who he was supposed to be, "Is repulsive to my name."

"Of course it is!" Yelled one of the fangirls, holding up her own sign. The entire thing was beautiful, in color, and much more detailed than the piece of posterboard Zexion had previously siezed. Across the top in happy-go-lucky bubble letters, the entire thing read 'Zexy and Demy 4 Eva!'

Zexion threw the sign he'd been holding so that it smacked off the back wall, leaving girls nearest to it to clamor for the thing that had been touched by the hands of such a precious boy. "This is worse!" He cried out, ripping it in half and leaving the girl to cry over her destroyed posterboard while mumbling, "My mommy told me I was a good drawer..."

"Let's get some things straight! First of all, my hair is grey. G-R-E-Y. Or, if you want to get creative and descriptive, it's silver. But it is not black, blue, lavender, green, or any shade of aqua. And whoever it was that said my hair was QUEER PURPLE (The author declines to state what fic she saw this in, but she has seen it) I hate you!"

"And another thing! I am NOT in love with Demy. Deymx is like my brother. You people make me sick. In fact, I don't even know anyone named Demy! There is no Demy or Zexy or Xiggy in Organization XIII. We have names! Full names! All you're really doing with your disgusting nicknames is adding a y! Get some originality."

"One more thing! KNOWLEDGE IS POWER IS A LAME SLOGAN, AND I REFUSE TO BE MADE FUN OF JUST BECAUSE THE ONLY WEAPON THE CREATORS COULD GIVE ME IS A  
$#(&QING BOOK!" With that, he threw a book that he produced seemingly out of nowhere onto the ground. "I mean, LOOK at it! It doesn't explode. It just flutters like a retarded bird or something! So stop making icons and stop laughing at me!"

Breathe, Zexion, he told himself. Still, he had one more point to make.

"And for ANOTHER thing..." Grabbing another sign and throwing the ripped bits about as though they were confettii, 'Zexy' (The author apologizes full-heartedly to Zexion for that) jumped up on the stage and pulled the sleeves of his coat back. No, you sick perverted fangirls, he is not about to pull his coat off or otherwise make that kind of statement about the fact that he is often called underdeveloped in the chest muscules.

Instead, he was showing off his slightly small, perfect wrists. "Do you see these? Do you see these?"

All the fangirls were staring. Oh, they saw them, all right. "Hands of a god!" One of them shrieked. This lead to more fangirling, which made him feel very much like suddenly becoming the wrist-slashing emo they all thought him, just to shock them all.

"I am NOT your Hot Topic poster child Organization XIII member! Just because you all think I'm an angsty brat who hides in the shadows doesn't mean you can decide I'm going to be turned into some sort of eye-liner wearing goth pretty boy! LOOK MOM (Yes, I'm politically incorrect here, seeing as how a Nobody probably has no mother) NO SLASH MARKS" And he turned, striding quickly off the stage.

Xenmas breathed a little less heavily. Sure, one girl's dreams were shattered and lying about her in terms of a posterboard sign, but at least no one was dead. He looked over at Saix and tried to steel his resolve to go through with the ridiculous stunt that was to follow.

I hope, he thought, that all of our efforts to defeat these 'fangirl' creatures are worth it in the end.

* * *

A/n: Yes, a short chapter. I've decided, due to a lack of time and a lack of will to look further into fanfictions regarding Saix right now, because my eyes don't wish to bleed, I'm going to just stop right here. I've abandoned the original thirteen chapters- I'll go on until I'm satisfied that I've bashed just about every poor aspect of fanfiction. yes, that includes the high school AU fics, which are quickly becoming annoying. 

If you understood the book thing, congrads on being a hard-core fangirl. If you didn't, well, keep looking.

I would like to add that I have no idea why Zexion's section got so long, except that while searching for him in fanfiction she nearly threw up three times from descriptions and fanart of the yaoi type. And it takes a lot to make me want to throw up.

ANOTHER THING: Some people have gotten tired of seeing my ranting slipping into the prose. Well, it's going to stay there. This entire story is just opinion, I'm not looking to fight. Complain if you must.

The world is made of dark and light,  
-Raven, Masked Reviewer I-


	5. No Secks Here

**Disclaimer: I am NOT responsible for people that eat, drink, or otherwise insert things into their mouths while reading this fanfiction. Doing so may be hazardous to your heath. If you choke, no, Organization XIII are not certified to revive you.  
(There, Sylla, happy now?)**

**Chapter Five: No Secks Here**

"I think he's going to make a statement about Xenmas!" Said one fangirl excitedly.

"I hope so!" Squealed another, watching Saix walk forward slowly, his arms clasp in front of him and his face expressionless. Were this a fanfiction centered on angst and sex, I would describe his long scar from some private, long-despised event in his past as it was set between his perfect features and below his flowing, sexy blue hair. (Then again, I also managed, while doing chapter research, debating over whether a description of him as 'having a womanly figure, complete with boobs' was accurate or not...) Thankfully, however, this is not one of those fanfictions, and to those of you I have forced to fall over either squealing or throwing up, depending on the person, I'm sorry.

Xenmas choked back a little disgusted noise in the back of his throat.

"For those of you who don't know, I am Saix. Next to Zexion and perhaps even before Zexion in some of your heads, I am the king of Angst, the Lord of Night, the Darkness in Souls, and the Moon's Main Man. (All nicknames the author has taken from fanfiction) I must admit, however, that there is one man in this Organization who outshines me easily for angst that makes him sexy, and that is Xenmas."

There were several louds squeals, and the fangirls, in most cases, dropped their Zexy/Demy signs to hold up signs reading 'Mansex/SaixDark, sexy luff!!1!' More to their surprise, and more to their happiness, Xenmas stepped forward and gently, although it pained him to do so, set his hand in what was meant to be a suggestive pose atop Saix's shoulder. He opened his mouth to speak.

The din was deafening and completely overpowered Xenmas, to borrow an old phrase. The Nobody simply shut his mouth. For several minutes, they just stood like that, Xenmas behind Saix, Saix with a grin on his face as he looked at his superior. No way in hell was he enjoying this little game, but just knowing that Xenmas was enjoying it even less than he was somehow made him feel better.

"In fact, Xenmas makes me feel whole. He makes me feel... Like I truly am a Somebody."

"They're so CUUUUUUUUUUUTE!" Squealed an audience member, and the din started up again as Saix rested a hand on his superior's hand, patting it more because he wanted to assure the superior and keep him from killing people than in the interest of their act.

"But more than that," Saix said when the din died down, wishing that he hadn't let Xenmas talk him into saying it, "He makes me feel... dirty."

Wolf whistles. Bangs. (Fangirls hitting the floor in dead faints) Slightly worse signs than the previous ones. Xenmas reached forward to gently half-unzip Saix's coat, but Saix stopped him with a hand; one, that was just too creepy and two, the fangirls were already getting on his nerves.

"He makes me enjoy things... You know, whips, gags, chains..." He had no reason to list anything else; the fangirls had already heard the most common things that appeared in fanfiction when talking about the pair's love life, and they couldn't be any happier. Unfortunatly, this caused the rest of the standing Organization, who were already feeling sick, to want to smack something and/or throw up all over everything.

"Don't forget the tongue, Sai," Xenmas said, and the few fangirls that could hear him over the screaming screamed even louder.

"It burns!" Demyx muttered under his breath. Unfortunatly, Saix remembered that he was standing there and turned, beckoning with one finger toward Demyx and Roxas, both of whom stepped forward, Roxas because he had no clue, Deymx because he was under orders. If I were stronger, he found himself thinking, I would probably kill someone to get out of this...

"Now, I'd like you to meet our favorite toys. Some of you know life around the Organization can get pretty boring, and there's only so many things we can do with whips and chains, so we invite Roxas and Demy to join us every so often. It's quite enjoyable."

Demyx glared. If looks could kill, he thought to himself, Saix would be dead, twelve feet under, and probably melted into a puddle on the floor. Fangirls were oogling, and several were drawing pictures or writing down every word Saix said.

"Of course," He said finally, "I do have a life besides Xemmy, although he is the main part of my life. As you all know, I'm the second in command, which is never easy. You have to keep people in command when things are bad, and whenever the other members of the Organization get into fights, you have to stomp them out. Then of course, there's those annoying crack-fic days..."

Suddenly Saix stopped and faced the crowd. "Let's get something straight. My name is Saix. Not Sai, not Saie, not 'Angst King.' And certainly not 'Secks'. (Just say it out loud, you'll understand) Just Saix. And I'm straight. I always have been, I always will be, either in existance or non-existance. I do NOT enjoy chains, whips, gags, or raping Demyx and Roxas, and I do NOT call my superior Mansex or Xemmy."

"...We should have known it was only a dream," said one fangirl with a sad, sad sigh.

"In fact, for the record, I got my position by cunning and distain, NOT because I had the gull to kiss Xenmas or various other... ideas... There was no gag as seen in Pulp Fiction involved, you sick perverts!"

"...That gag is a sex toy," said one fangirl suddenly. "You know, Saix, if you're trying to convince us you're not gay, then you really shouldn't talk about that."

Saix's face grew bright red. Whatever else he was about to say about the destruction of his characterization so as to make him overly-happy, or turning him into a babysitter for younger Organization members, or about his true lack of love for blood, gore, guts, or even horror movies that had to do with people losing their guts all over the floor, or even about the disgusting fics that had him controlling the Organization by having sex with Xenmas (One of which actually made the author gag) left his mouth, and he turned and strode off the stage.

"Oh my God," said one fangirl as she watched the next member step up. "It's AXEL!!!!!!!!!"

Oh my God, thought Axel, I'm surrounded by girls who either want me gay or want me. He took a few steps up to the podium, sighed, and surveyed the crowd. The change in signs (Axel/ROXY 4EVA!) was none too reassuring.

* * *

**A/n: Happy Easter. And if you dont' celebrate Easter, well, then this chapter's not an Easter gift to you.**

**Research for this chapter took a long time and made the author very sick. Hence why it is so short- I refused to travel further into the perversion of poor Saix's character. Keep the love coming- You guys rock.**

**Next character up, Axel... (pats his shoulder) The poor dear. Anyway, I hope everyone's enjoying so far, because I enjoy writing and hearing from all of you.**

**The world is made of dark and light,  
-Raven, Masked Reviewer I-**


	6. Got it MEMORIZED? MEMORIZED?

_Alright guys, Masked Reviewer II here. Raven's dragging her feet on this chapter because she's tired of having her retinas burned out (Two words: BAD FANFICTION), and I have a couple of good ideas for this chapter, so I'm going to start it. We'll see how the reviews pan out for this one. If there are large-scale riots, I'll never do this again. And if not… well, we'll see, won't we? XD This was also written with help from the unofficial 'Masked Reviewer II ½,' aka, my sister._

**Chapter Six: Got it MEMORIZED?**

As Axel stepped up to the microphone, there was complete… chaos. The din in the room was so deafening that for a moment the entire Organization covered their ears, closed their eyes, and prayed to God something would smite them from the sky.

Fangirls screamed.  
And fainted.  
Then woke up.  
Screamed some more.  
And fainted again.  
And woke up again.

And… Well, aside from the added mass rush to the stage, reach for various signs in all degrees of explicitness, finishedness, and fangirlishness, and of course, the ever-loving squeals of 'Axel!!!!!!!!' with a row of 'e's that somehow appeared in the middle of Number XIII's name.

The signs had indeed changed. There was hardly a member of the audience _not_ holding a sign now. Most, (unfortunately for Axel, and also Roxas who was steadily turning one shade deeper of red every minute) bearing pictures that cannot be accurately described in a T-rated fanfiction.

"Oh God," he muttered, clearing his throat. Axel took a deep breath, and prayed that he would soon be hit in the head with a large blunt object and diagnosed with amnesia. Sadly, large objects do not frequently fall from the sky, hit members of large groups wishing not to give speeches,

Roxas sighed and walked to the front of the stage, where he sat down, dangling his legs off of the front of it. At this point, a large number of fangirls rushed the stage, presumably about to attempt to pull him into the crowd by the ankles, take him to a small secluded room, and do (please insert disgusting Axel-based fantasies here) to him, but they stopped abruptly as Axel started to speak, fanning out his hair for effect as a loving, gentle smile crossed his face.

"Roxaaas ♡" He called in a disgustingly loving voice that makes the author of this story want to vomit. "Come here, baby, I want you to stand by me for a few minutes."

Larxene, still in line, smirked evilly, shook her head, and fervently wished that she had a video camera for this. Sadly, she had to work on committing the voices and effect to memory instead, so that when the time came she could follow the pair of them around, squawking and squealing in perfect renditions of Axel. Not that she would, unless her secret wish was to die by incineration, but still, Roxas would be fun to torment.

Axel dashed across the stage, immediately draping himself all over the younger boy in a pose that most certainly suggested a lot more than the 'friends' Disney endorses them as. One hand casually played with the zipper of Roxas's coat, the other fingered his hair, and he smiled before gently planting a (STAGE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY IS NOT ABUSING THE POOR CHARACTERS ANYMORE THAN THEY MUST BE ABUSED, EVEN IF IT IS IN THE NAME OF HUMOR!) kiss on the top of Roxas's messy hair.

"I assume most of you know who I am, but just in case, my name is Axel," at this point, Axel was forced to temporarily halt is speech as the whistles and applause from the crowd would have drowned out anything he had tried to say. "A-X-E-L, got it MEMORIZED?" He added, just because, after all, that line did seem to come

Roxas, who looked as though he was trying very, very, hard not to bolt off stage, muttered, "And I'm Roxas." He found himself trying to squirm away from Axel, but when he did this, the edge of his coat started to come down, and wolf whistles and jeering noises made him just completely stop where he was, caught between Axel and the podium.

Axel continued with his speech, "Judging by those signs, many of you seem to be aware of the 'relationship' between me and Roxas," he said, untangling himself from Roxas's shoulders to lean across the younger boy and grab his chin, titling it upwards. "Well, I'll admit that that's true, and there's something, Roxas, I've needed to tell you for the longest time…" Axel looked directly into Roxas's eyes (Inwardly biting his lip so hard he was drawing blood, struggling to get the words to come out in a way that he wouldn't choke on them) and spoke the fatal line that had condemned him to a lifetime of suffering at the hands of rabid yaoi fangirls. "Roxas… you make me feel… like I have a heart."

If the noise made before by the fangirls had been screaming, this was akin to a jet taking off. And it was one LOUD jet. For several minutes, he stood there, waiting for the noise to cease, or for one of the unnatural creatures to show the need to breathe, or something.

Which was promptly followed by dead silence as the majority of the audience passed out. Looks like they did need to breathe, Axel found himself thinking, with a little bit of a laugh.

Axel immediately let go of Roxas, who INSTANTLY staggered away from him and tried to run for the back of the stage, only to stagger against Axel, and looked out into the audience. The only people not unconscious were two straight guys who had been forced into coming by their girlfriends, about six girls scattered throughout the audience who had obviously not been impressed by that little display (Later Axel would realize they had been chanting, "Do him! Do him! Do him! And sketching some pictures to sell to the other fangirls when they awoke, images that would haunt him for the rest of his life), a blonde girl dressed head-to-toe in black with thick black sunglasses on, and, of course, the previously killed fangirls, whose heaped bodies were a satisfying sight indeed to the Axel.

Roxas groaned and looked up helplessly at Axel, trying to get back to his feet despite the fact that he was off balance. Thankfully for him, and perhaps much to his displeasure, Axel was still sitting behind him, thereby blocking his fall. Axel promptly stood up when they connected the second time, though, letting Roxas' head hit the floor with a loud thump, punctuated with a loud "OW!" from the blonde.

About thirty seconds later, as the audience began to wake up, Roxas had taken his place back in line after hurling a few well-placed curses at Axel, and the fiery-headed boy now in question was leaning lazily on the podium, making small fireballs jump from finger to finger on his hand. When he realized that the fangirls were up, staring at him, and hanging over the edge of the stage, he realized he could take no more, and raised his voice, hurling a fire ball down onto the stage next to himself for effect. (He thought it was a very nice effect.)

" I would like to say that you disgust me," he punctuated this remark by slamming the flat of his hand against the podium. "I am NOT gay, for starters. Especially for Roxas. We are friends. _Friends!_ What's wrong with the world today that two guys can't hang out without being called gay? Can't a guy make another guy feel like he has a heart? We're NOBODIES, so we technically don't! He just makes me feel like I have an OTHER, someone who cares. Observe, an OTHER. Not a SIGNIFIGANT OTHER. THIS IS NOT SOME ORGANZATION FOR GAY DUDES! I like CHICKS, for the record. G-I-R-L-S, how 'bout you get THAT memorized?"

"And 'chicks' is not defined by 13-year old kids who wander into the World that Never Was and attach themselves to me. I'm talking real girls. With hair. And boobs. And short skirts and nice butts and… GIRLS. Not little girls, either. This Kairi and Namine thing people are getting? No. No no and no! I don't do little fifteen year old girls. Or their Nobodies. Especially Nobodies. I said they had to have boobs and butts and nice clothing, and just because she's blonde doesn't mean she's cute, got it MEMORIZED? Another thing: JUST BECAUSE it's a catch phrase doesn't mean I have to say it every FIVE SECONDS!"

"Back to the random chicks wandering into the world that never was: I would also like to say that if by some small miracle, someone did actually manage to make it there, I would most certainly NOT take care of them. I would promptly dump their sorry ass back in the world of light. There is absolutely no reason for me not to do so immediately. Know why? Because I don't randomly cling to thirteen year olds, or let them cling to me. Pedophile I am not!"

"While we're on THAT subject, or any subject having to do with love, sex, or rape, I do not regularly rape Namine, Roxas, Sora, or Riku. I don't know WHERE you people are getting that stuff, but I helped Sora. I do not want to rape him. Because he looks like ROXAS, and guess what? Roxas is my BEST FRIEND. FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM INTO CHICKS, WHO HAVE LEGS, BOOBS, BUTTS, AND AREN'T SORRY EXCUSES FOR KEYBLADE BEARERS! And Namine is a little girl. A little girl. Not my lover. Nobodies cannot take lovers! As for Riku, how often did I really even see him? There's no LOVE there. We're enemies. I'm in the dark, he hates the dark but was willing to embrace it to save the light… Does that make ANY sense to any of you?

"OR the Repliku. What's up with the Repliku? Why on Earth would I want to sleep with a duplicate of Riku, who I don't even like? That's like sleeping with Sora because of Roxas!" Fangirls squealed, and Axel covered his ears in irritation. "I do NOT like Roxas!"

"Nor do I sleep with Zexion, Demyx, Saix, Vexen, or Marluxia. In fact, for those of you who're into me and Demyx, shame. Do you think I'm in it to rape small children or what, people? He's a NICE GUY, and sort of a young, naïve, foolish little boy, but certainly not something to have sex with. I'm not gay, people. NOT GAY. We are an Organization. No, if you shorten it to orgy you do NOT have what goes on, you foolish perverts who would have me as some sex-starved, two-legged HORNBALL. What do you take me for, an idiot? A fool? A boy who never had sex as a Somebody? I'm not that pathetic. I think that covers all the major pairings and generalizations about me. I'm not gay. Not g-a-y, got that memorized?" He paused, looking out all of the stunned, stupefied, or otherwise frozen in place fangirls, and suddenly something hit him.

"Now, I know I spoke of chicks. So you're all thinking right now, what about Larxene? Are you people BLIND? Have you SEEN her personality in action?! Look at her sideways and no children for you. Ever. And even though Nobodies can't make little Nobody babies, I like my nuts. And no, not because of men. Because of women. Are we getting this yet now? You people seem to like to repeat things, so I'm going to repeat this to you. WOMEN. WOMEN WOMEN WOMEN W-O-M-E-N! Memorize THAT!"

"But while we're on the subject of women, we're not talking OC's. I'm not that desperate that I'd fall down with a girl who's 'perfect in every way except for her daddy beating her, father her children and live a happy life with someone so pretty it makes me want to puke my guts out at the mere sight of her because of our painfully perfect love at first sight.' I AM A NOBODY. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS LOVE. Let alone for your stinking OC's. And let's get one thing straight. I'm dead. I exploded myself to help Sora because he looked like my good friend Roxas. GOOD FRIEND. Therefore, your 'so perfect I want to puke' OC cannot bring me back to life. No one can. I will not come back to be with you, nor your disgusting OCs, nor Roxas, nor anyone else. Please stop trying to come up with original ways to bring me back to life. Square-Enix already thinks I should come back for no reason. Please don't keep pulling Square-Enix, or I've come back to life at least twenty thousand times."

"Oh, and I am not in high school. I'm 21. I haven't been in high school for years. I never have been, and I probably never will be, at least not as a Nobody. YEAH LEGAL LIQUOR. I'm not buying you anything, and I sure as hell ain't working at a burger joint. I'm sorry. We have no need of jobs here in the World That Never Was. We're kept busy. The Organization is my job. No, not orgy, Organization. Say it with me here, people. Got it memorized?"

"Know something else? Between saying 'got it memorized?' 'Wanna have sex?' 'Roxas don't leave me.' And 'You make me feel like I have a heart', how many more lines do I get? Like, honestly? I'm not an idiot. I don't use words like dude, I don't get stoned in the Cali sun (What, I ask you people, would a Nobody be doing outside in the Cali sun? How would a Nobody get to California?) and for the last time, I'm not a moron. I'm a 21 year old man, who's respectable, not stupid, and certainly not sex-starved, stoned, or able to say dude, like, um, totally, or any other phrase you people think should come out of my mouth!"

"And one last thing: noctspkplzktnksdissnthowitlkonaregurbasisandidudothelawlsttylletstlkluvu!" thing. Please please please get a new way of typing, go back to kindergarten, and get yourself a nice education. And don't brag in your profile about how you hope to be writers when you're typing all one-word, simple sentences that I don't think Xemnas could understand."

"Thank you." Axel turned on heel and headed back for his spot in line, then stopped and pivoted suddenly, as though he had just remembered something. "So, I hope you all figured out what I wanted to say to you… Now, if everyone would hold out their lovely signs, I'd like to take a look.

Thinking he was kidding, all the fangirls laughed and giggled and held their signs out for him to see. The author laughs at their general stupidity.

"One more thing…" he snapped his fingers. Every sign in the room bearing smut of him and Roxas, or indeed him and any other character exploded into flames. The shrieks and weeping of fangirls filled the room as their homemade signs crumpled into ash before their eyes.

"My beautiful yaoi!"

"My Aku/Roku!"

"My sexual fantasies!" Everyone stared at this fangirl, and her face turned red and she quickly dropped, her head down as she dug for the ashes to hold close to her heart.

"Roxas and I are friends, not lovers, 'friends with benefits' or anything else. Got it memorized?" With that, he was done, and he walked back into the line with a smile on his face, then patted Demyx on the shoulder. "At least I bought you some time, buddy," he said, smirking, and he watched the fangirls cry over the ashes of their signs as some of them organized burials, and others simply threw them to the winds. Axel laughed.

"Now that's something I've always wanted to see. S-E-E, got it memorized?"

Demyx looked at him in horror, but Axel only laughed. "I'm kidding, Demyx. Kidding. Calm down, or I really will start saying that after everything I say."

_A/n: Hello, Masked Reviewer I speaking. I did rewrite parts of this chapter and worked on the wonderful job Masked Reviewer II did; Marly, I love you! I've been having a rather rough time in life lately, but I will get back to writing my own fanfiction after finals. I'm sorry you all had to wait, I really hope this is all right. I tried to touch on all the things about poor Axel, but there are so many it's sad. Anyway, again, love Marly, she's the amazing brain here, I'm the touch-up crew. And love our little half a masked reviewer too, she's amazing as well. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. Leave love and stick around for Demyx!  
The world is made of light and dark,  
-Raven, Masked Reviewer I-_


	7. Rock Stars

Ah, Demyx. How long had he stood in the wings, waiting nervously, looking out over the crowd? He chose only his sitar to go out onto the stage with him- Who could ever need anything, anything, else? Carrying it, trying to look as close to the rocking boy he was made out to be in fanfiction, he stood center stage, took a deep breath, opened his mouth, and screamed:

"I am Demyx!"

The jet-noise returned again from the fans. By this time, the fires had gone out in the audience and the sobbing had gone down, and everyone's eyes were intensly on the suddenly peppy, happy boy in the center of the stage.

"Like a real rock star!"

"So hot!"

"WILL YOU MARRY ME?!"

"How on earth can I marry you?" Demyx asked, staring at the girl in the front row with such intensity that it made her blush and turn away. "My dear, dear woman, I am already begotten to another... To my beautiful Zexion!"

Zexion thought to himself that he would have to remember to kill Demyx. The author sympathized with him.

"Come here, my love, and let me play you a duet to wipe away all of your sadness! Let me change you into someone worth being!" The voices drowned out anything else he was about to say as they mixed with wolf-whistles, cat-calls, and shrieks from the few fans who had, indeed, been looking for a different ship.

If looks could kill, Demyx would've fallen dead on the stage as Zexion came to stand beside him. Taking very much the same stance as Axel, Demyx grabbed him roughly around the waist and pulled him to his side with a grin to rival the Cheshire cat. "This," he said to the assembled crowd, "Is my little Zexion. He's had his share of problems in his life, but I've changed him. So much that he no longer cuts himself, cries alone at night, or otherwise feels any angst. After all, that's the power of love!"

"He probably has nothing to cry about at night!"

"Oh how romantic!"

"All you ever need is someone bright to make you a better person!"

The author rolls her eyes at these statements and would like to point out that fangirls are stupid and love isn't the only thing that's going to change an emo kid.But she also promised herself she'd stop with the asides and let the characters do all of the talking, so I'll do all of the talking and complaining through them.

"I-It is the power of love," Zexion managed through his teeth, which all of the fans took for a smile. Demyx pulled him closer with a little grin and so Zexion, in a rare display for cruelty towards Demyx, reached up and ruffled his hair.

"You ruined it!" Demyx screeched. "He has yet to understand just how important my looks are to me! They go with my award-winning, heart-throbbing, smiling, overly-bright personality, which is totally befitting of me! I hate to kill, I hate to fight... Is there no peace in this world? I want only peace for myself and my sweet, sweet Zexion!"

Everyone in the room was either crying, cheering, or, in the case of the force known as the narration, trying not to spit back up the meal she's eating as she types these words.

"You are wonderful, my dear," Zexion said. "You're comfort in the darkest room, and the thing that's the most in this world. Your music... Oh your musical talent is what truly moved me to love you, and I truely do love you!"

Demyx, surprisingly, cracked first. "Okay Zexion, you're freaking me out," he said, and stopped the vain attempts to fix his hair, dropped his sitar to the stage, and moved to address the crowd.

"Let's get two things straight about me: One, I am not in love with Zexion! Two, I am not some peppy, happy, peace-loving boy who's full of naive innocence and is looking to bring perfect peace and light into this world!"

Zexion used this chance to sneak away, secretely satisfied with the new hairdo he'd given Demyx, but disgustedly wishing he could go take a shower and get the disgusting feeling that was crawling over his skin off of him- Did that boy ever shower? He smelled positivly disgusting...

"What about you and Axel?!" Asked a rabid voice from the front row, and there were several cheers from the crowd. There were even movements to whip out additional signs and drawings, but Axel stepped foward so fast and radiated such an intensity that most of them dropped them to the floor. In the case of the girl who was worried about having her fantasy crushed, she jumped on top of her sign protectivly and growled, causing a slight shifting of the crowd.

"Axel?! Axel?! What kind of proof or reason is there for ME to want Axel?"

"He's hot!"

"You're both newer, younger members!"

"He's obviously gay, so he has to love someone who's not Roxas!"

"I AM NOT GAY!" Axel roared from behind Demyx.

"If that's your idea of hot you need a reality check," Demyx muttered. "Besides, Axel isn't gay. At least not for me. You never know about that stuff with him and Roxas though..." He grinned, and Axel's face turned livid as Xenmas grabbed the back of his robe and moved him back into the silent ranks of Nobodys in an attempt to keep him from incinerating the whole of the audience and his fellow Nobodies, who were all laughing.

"Zigbar!"

"Xaldin!"

"Marly!"

"MANSEX!"

"No! Ew! What is WRONG with you people? Marly's gross, Zigbar and Xaldin are old, and Xenmas is my boss! Would you sleep with your boss?"

"Ew, no, gross, my boss is old!"

"And mine's stupid!"

"I'd sleep with mine!" This boy, who was well-known to have a male boss, sank down in his seat and said nothing, now grinning to himself at that thought. A few of the fangirls giggled, but most were fixed on Demyx, who was finishing an impassioned speech on stamping out Yaoi and poor characterization.

"And so," he yelled, "I want all of you to stop and think next time! It is not cute! It is not funny! It's not even HUMANE to write about me as a rock god saving an emo kid. What kind of plot is that? A washed up one, that's what!"

And, with a strum of his sitar and a wave of water, which conviently just happened to wash over into the crowd, he stepped backwards off the stage. "Luxlord, Marly, are you ready?"

Neither of them said anything. They were too busy watching the water drain and the people caught in it struggle to stay afloat, some clutching for their Organization plushies, others attempting to shed fandrawings. "So far, this hasn't worked," Luxlord noted dryly.

"At least it's funny," Marly pointed out, and they stepped forward.

_Hey there, masked reviewer I here. It's been a while, neh? I'm sorry the hault on this story ran way longer than I expected, you'd have to know me to understand. Updates should be more regular for now on- Stay tuned for old Luxy and Marly. I know the style in this chapter doesn't match my normal style, so sorry in advance.  
The world is made of light and dark,  
-Raven, masked reviewer I-_


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